if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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