what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
