When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Randomize
