tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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