Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
