JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
