I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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