I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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