i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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