dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
