My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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