I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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