Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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