she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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