Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize