If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
