my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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