i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i've created a new STD.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
