I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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