We're like a lot better than the average bears
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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