I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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