i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
