Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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