I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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