Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
