I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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