Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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