why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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