he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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