Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
