I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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