Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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