I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
