we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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