I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
