connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize