She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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