Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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