I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
