long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
