God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
