Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Sober January is a disaster.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
