She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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