Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
