woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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