I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
