They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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