Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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