I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
