I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
