I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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