I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
