i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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