so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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