so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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