I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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