I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
